I read a stimulating post today at Kate’s Blog about the intensity she felt in her youth and about having to find it again now, or remember to go there. I’m paraphrasing (and not a writer like she) so you really should go hear it for yourself. It was very moving, and well-written, and involves the Tango—reason enough to go there.
How often do we remember what we felt like as children when every day felt like the only day? Tomorrow was too far away to hold our interest very long. Yesterday was forgotten quickly. It’s the only time I remember being in the NOW. Except that I wasn’t really. I distinctly remember always waiting for something. To break the monotony. To arrive, long-awaited. The next age, 12 not 11. The next grade, Jr High not Elementary! Awesome feeling, and once arrived, did I enjoy it? It’s not easy to remember, I’ve blocked a lot of my younger years. And according to my last MRI, I’ve lost some of my brain’s real estate to aging. Atrophy, ugh. I’ll tell you what doesn’t shrink as I age…the waiting. I’m still waiting.
- Yes, I’m waiting for spring.
- I’m waiting for summer.
- I’m waiting for our vacation to be planned and afforded.
- I’m waiting to see if my blog will ever get more than 2 comments.
- After waiting nine months to see my granddaughter, I’m now waiting to see her in person (ohh, a sweet longing).
- And I’m waiting now to see if I get juried into the Museum show. (I’ll find out on Friday, Jan. 30. Accepted pieces will be announced, anonymously, by numbers they assigned us. Reminds me of waiting to see if I passed my GRE! I think our NAMES were posted, not sure. But I passed, just passed. All those art classes must have replaced whatever I had learned in general ed? What a blow to my ego! And it will be another blow to my ego if I don’t get juried into the show and I end up feeling like 3 years of doing “my real work” was just occupational therapy.)
But beyond that, I am waiting to see what I “can’t wait for” next in life. I haven’t found it yet. What could be as exciting as awaiting holidays that made my house joyous instead of tense, tap dancing class, turning 12, first dance party, starting Jr High, 8th grade graduation, first day of college, the birth of 2 daughters, my first real job, my second marriage or quitting the cubicle to do “my real work”?
I hope something jumps out soon because right now I’m reduced to waiting for the new season of Life on Mars and Dr. Who. Don’t get me wrong, Dr. Who is a true pleasure (oh, the places we’ll go!). It’s just that I’m not getting any younger, and living vicariously isn’t going to cut it much longer.