I’ve been trying to figure out why I haven’t posted lately. This morning I heard the old saying in my head, “If you can’t say something nice, don’t say anything at all.” I think I haven’t been writing (or creating) lately because I’ve felt very critical. I’m always questioning things — everything, especially myself.
I go through these stages where I read, read, read, everything I can get my hands on, as if I don’t know what to think… about anything. Then I realize I am just reacting. It’s as if I’m afraid to think what I think, even now, at my age. I guess I thought at some point my beliefs would become fixed and I would live my life based on those beliefs.
The truth is, a lot of time I don’t know what to think or who I really am. I am very reactive and sometimes wishy-washy. It’s not that I don’t have opinions. I am very opinionated. But it’s more knee-jerk than I would like — defensive.
I am an introverted extrovert, a naturally outgoing person who was coerced as a child into being quieter and more restrained. Thus the problem with my blog, and my art. I often think I know what I want to do, to write, or to create, and then the doubting starts.
Who is this doubter? Is it me, or my internal critics? Why am I, at times, unable to speak at all? Who or what am I afraid of? Can I be free, or am I doomed to envy others’ freedom?