I’ll see you in my dreams II

I came down with Chronic Fatigue Syndrome in January of 1990. It was what they call sudden onset and it hit after the worst flu of my life.

It took almost a year of physical chaos to be diagnosed — Fibromyalgia in the context of Chronic Fatigue Syndrome, with viral onset. I was 36 years old. For the next nine years I felt doomed. Pain, fatigue and severe cognitive disruption limited me to the smallest life possible.

Then something turned, and in the years since, I have had longer and longer periods of semi-wellness interspersed with what we PWCFS (persons with Chronic Fatigue Syndrome) call “flares” or flare-ups. Some symptoms are permanent, some come and go, but I am not the same person I was before that flu.

There is no cure, but doctors are following many different theories to provide treatment. “Research has established the existence of CFS. We must look to future research to teach us how to detect, diagnose and manage the disease until we find a cure.” – CFIDS Association of America

Since I seem to be continuing the stream of dreams intent on restoration of the past, I will include this one from last night.

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III

They come in and get me. We go down a long hall to a big room with a round table. The doctor at the table reminds me of a doctor I once knew, a scientist. He reminds me of him because of his intensity, and his excitement at the results of my tests.

He shows me the results. A 65 score in that range meant that it is guaranteed I have the organism, and that it is causing most of my symptoms. He’ll give me meds and I’ll be well! I have to slow down and ask him to write down the name of the organism and the drug he’ll use to treat it.

I go to a nearby office and tell my friends what happened and that I am so excited. All these symptoms will be gone. The dizziness, fuzziness, pain and fatigue.

What luck!


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2 thoughts on “I’ll see you in my dreams II

  1. Sounds like a positive dream to me; knowing what we have means we know what we can do, what we can strive for and what we simply have to let go of.

    You may have had a “smaller life” in some ways, but from your writing and comments, it sounds to me as if you were given a deeper spiritual awareness because of it, gratitude for the days you’re not affected and determination to use the awful experience to fuel your writing and art.

    Thank you for sharing this with us, and as always, for supporting me over at my blog. I appreciate your visits.

  2. Hi Janice,
    A very positive dream! But when I woke up, the bubble popped.

    Thanks for the encouragement. Yes, it’s true the downtime and isolation illness provides allows some people to achieve a deeper awareness of life and to develop gratitude for what remains. But CFS also make me cranky.

    I would trade it all (any insight into myself and life in general that I have garnered through introspection) for a “normal” life!

    I want to take life for granted again someday! Drive on freeways, work full time again, drink mai tai’s, exercise (I miss Jazzercise), and overdo! I miss those things…

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