This blog is stoked by Love, Anger, Euphoria and Depression. Many people are not comfortable believing they could get stuck in the muck. Some lucky ones never will. The muck is a good place to look at life. From the ground, you are seeing from a different perspective, and with your defenses on leave.
It’s hard to host a blog like this right now because it tends to be regarded as a depressive act. It’s not. It’s an acknowledgment of depressive feelings, and also an acknowledgment of a heart sometimes swelled to bursting. It’s my thing, as they say, the feelings of the heart, how my heart fuels my art.
If you believe in synchronicity, as I do, you’ll appreciate that I just found this heading by Chris Guillebeau at The Art of Non-Conformity:
“Remember: be authentic. There is only one you.”
So, this is me… The other day I declared that I hate optimism. It’s true. I do. I hate it like I hate wishing for something I can’t have. What is most cunning about optimism is that it gives you hope and hope is sometimes cruel. Sometimes it’s best to hope only that you can withstand that you will not get what you want. Hope that you can do without it. Hope that you will forget, forgive, survive even, in spite of your optimism being ill spent.
But that’s not what I want to talk about today. I want to talk about what it feels like to be a hater of optimism. To be a doubter. It isn’t fashionable right now. The wagons are circling to protect people from the financial circumstances we face globally. Superstition abounds that the negative word will produce a negative end. But words are not deeds. I am not afraid of words, I am afraid of denial. I am afraid of panic, but panic only comes to me if I sense that those around me are holding their ears saying “La, la, la, la, I can’t hear you!” I am afraid that I will have no one to talk about “what happens if…?”
Yes, I keep losing heart. But I don’t “live there.” I don’t live in a vacuum either. Stuff happens, and when it does, it reminds me that life can change in an instant, or refuse to change no matter how much I want it to (and I want it to in the worst way).
When you can’t have what you desire most, can’t summon it no matter how hard you try… then truth, control, belief, desire and hope remain elusive.